Five things your pet hamster shouldn’t know

Snowball from Pinky and the Brain

This last week a very strange thing happened.  I was shopping for groceries at the store when all the sudden it literally started raining cats and dogs.  Among the cats and dogs I saw a hamster.  That hamster reminded me of an old website that I used to frequent and a proverb a wise old man once told me “Remember you can never teach an old hamster to be young again.”  As I thought about this proverb, the following thoughts came into my mind about things your pet hamster shouldn't know.

1.      More hamsters die per year in accidents involving cars driving themselves than due to eating a lot of peanut butter.  Due to this reason the USDA recommends that you keep all self-driving cars away from hamsters and that you remind your pet to not text while driving.

2.      Due to the amount of static electricity given off by hamsters healthcare professionals recommend that you keep cell phones at least five feet away from your hamster. This is important.  Cell phone radiation and static electricity have been known to actually increase the IQ of a hamster until it matches that of The Brain. As we know from the experience of Snowball, we really don’t want hamsters ruling the world.

3.      Ice cream is a dietary staple for gerbils and humans. Rumor has it that if you feed ice cream to a hamster that will be able to do graduate level calculus. In case your wondering this is a bad thing. Let me just say that the theory of gravity was not discovered by the same Newton that you think it was.

4.      Hamsters in general are expert escape artists. When they escape they don’t really do much. However, if you taught a hamster to steal jewelry it would them become a master thief. After which it would put the criminal underworld out of business making Batman out of a job.

5.      This brings us to our last point. Remember never to teach your hamster how to dress up like Batman.  Bats and hamsters share a special brotherhood.  Hamsters see bats as flying hamsters. In essence a hamster dressed up like Batman literally  becomes Batman in a literal sense.