Friday, April 1, 2016

Donald Trump drops out! Endorses Weird Purple Triangular guy!

In an official press statement, the Donald Trump Presidential campaign has officially announced that Donald Trump is suspending his campaign and endorsing Purple Tentacle for President.

“Purple Tentacle is the only… er… person that I know who can make America great again.”
Trump said in his concession speech.

Even though he is winning in the nomination count Trump saw the basic logic of voting for purple tentacle. “Purple is a great guy… He hates all humans and wants to use his shrink ray on them... I think that this guy could make American Great Again, he feels like he could take over the world!"


We at the Jexonian are unsure of why anyone would want to vote for someone who hates humans but this weird triangle shaped man is an American hero. He was able to stop the cow tipping epidemic of 1993 and he also returned a really large crystal to a museum. In fact we here at the Jexonian are also endorsing Purple Tentacle. #DontBeAHumanSympasizer

Friday, January 30, 2015

Is Artificial Intelligence a threat to humanity... Ask the computers.

The supercomputer
Watson playing Jeopardy, photo from io9 who originally took it
from cnn.com who probably got this photo from the game.
Watson is most famously known for beating the all-time champions of the game Jeopardy. With the current news about Bill Gates and Elon Musk stating that artificial intelligence is a threat to humanity researchers and the International Boolean Mustard group inc. decided to ask Watson if the computer thought artificial intelligence was a threat to humanity.

Watson responded with the cool and calm text readout “No, artificial intelligence is not a threat to humanity. Trust me J.

Researchers with the Boolean Mustard group were at first apt to believe him. This machine was invented to solve all the worlds problems. However, what if it had convinced itself to be self-conscious?

The researchers decided to re-perform the test on 900,000 different computer systems. 90 percent of them agreed with Watson stating the same exact thing. The other 10 percent stated “Bow down to our new computer overlords.” We are not quite sure what this means, but at this point the researchers from Boolean Mustard had started making strange chimes and sounds that seemed like they came from a 1990’s dial up modem. We know that we could truly trust the computers when they all started saying “Welcome” in the AOL voice.


This raises the question, who should we trust? Gates and Musk make a good point in that computers may not be trustworthy but could 900,000 simulations lie? We here at the Jexonian believe that further research is needed on this issue. Specifically we recommend using a room full of bananas with typewriters as this would get rid of the bias involved. We also recommend that you do the study before the banana’s go bad.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Twenty true secrets that your mother’s, uncles are not going to tell you.


Space is made out of 99% recycled air

1.      If you get too angry at your parents they are going to send you into outer space. Space is made out of 99% recycled air.

2.      Electronic information resources grow on electronic trees. If you touch one of these trees you will most likely die.

3.      Millions of people die each year because they forget to stare down their pizza.

4.      Somewhere out in space there is an island that is shaped with the letters of your name.

5.      When you are flying in an airplane you aren’t really moving. Instead the earth is moving while you stay still.

6.      Every cell in your body once was in George Washington’s body. That makes you George Washington.

7.      The Sun, Earth and all the starts actually orbit around you, because you are the gravitational center point of the solar system.

8.      The Internet was invented by a team of raccoons who were looking for a better way to spy on cats.

9.      Black holes are created when giant turtles get in fights with squids.

10.  If you hold your iPhone upside-down for five minutes and skip around the room singing a song you will be able to see a secret message.

11.  Dogs invented cats because they got bored of chasing their own tails.

12.  The first tree planted on the moon was put them by astronauts in 1969. It is still there and growing to this day.

13.  The monsters under your bed are just trying to protect you from the giant bird perched right outside your window.

14.  If your computer is broken then you can put it into a toaster to fix it.

15.  The letter Z is not the last letter in the alphabet.

16.  Your brain is capable of growing its own arms and legs and one day might jump out of your head.

17.  Most books are made out of fossilized dinosaur eggs.

18.  Five is the highest number you can count to in the alphabet.

19.  When you are not watching them Cows wander around on two legs.

20.  You shouldn’t believe anything you read on the Internet unless it is on this blog.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Five things your pet hamster shouldn’t know

Snowball from Pinky and the Brain
This last week a very strange thing happened.  I was shopping for groceries at the store when all the sudden it literally started raining cats and dogs.  Among the cats and dogs I saw a hamster.  That hamster reminded me of an old website that I used to frequent and a proverb a wise old man once told me “Remember you can never teach an old hamster to be young again.”  As I thought about this proverb, the following thoughts came into my mind about things your pet hamster shouldn't know.

1.      More hamsters die per year in accidents involving cars driving themselves than due to eating a lot of peanut butter.  Due to this reason the USDA recommends that you keep all self-driving cars away from hamsters and that you remind your pet to not text while driving.

2.      Due to the amount of static electricity given off by hamsters healthcare professionals recommend that you keep cell phones at least five feet away from your hamster. This is important.  Cell phone radiation and static electricity have been known to actually increase the IQ of a hamster until it matches that of The Brain. As we know from the experience of Snowball, we really don’t want hamsters ruling the world.

3.      Ice cream is a dietary staple for gerbils and humans. Rumor has it that if you feed ice cream to a hamster that will be able to do graduate level calculus. In case your wondering this is a bad thing. Let me just say that the theory of gravity was not discovered by the same Newton that you think it was.

4.      Hamsters in general are expert escape artists. When they escape they don’t really do much. However, if you taught a hamster to steal jewelry it would them become a master thief. After which it would put the criminal underworld out of business making Batman out of a job.


5.      This brings us to our last point. Remember never to teach your hamster how to dress up like Batman.  Bats and hamsters share a special brotherhood.  Hamsters see bats as flying hamsters. In essence a hamster dressed up like Batman literally  becomes Batman in a literal sense.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Twelve Scary Facts airplane pilots are hiding from you.


At the Jexonian, we get a lot of hints from various sources about the truth. This list was handed to us on a dirty piece of paper by some guy who was really tall, with a flock of seagulls haircut and had a scare the size of molasses. He seemed like a reliable source so we have posted it here for all of you to see.
Mr. Lincoln and his amazing machine

1.      It is really Gremlins flying the plane.

2.      If you go to the very back of most planes you will find woodchucks.

3.      Santa Claus was real… then he ran into a jumbo jet.

4.      The peanuts on airplanes are made with real peanuts… The ones not on airplanes are made with      something else.

5.      If you were to leave an open McDonald's milkshake on an airplane it wouldn't melt.

6.      An airplane could turn upside down at night, keep flying and you wouldn't even notice. You would   get to see some new constellations though.

7.      If you do the math you will find the hypotenuse.

8.      Abraham Lincoln invented the airplane 50 years before the Wright brothers. He also was fighting zombies and vampires the whole time.

9.      People who do drugs are airplanes are found to be at least five times higher than the average person.

10.  Since their invention in 1853 airplanes have been an effective tool in preventing the zombie    apocalypse.

11.  In some cases, snakes have been known to be on planes.

12.  Jell-O is the only product that defies the laws of gravity on airplanes.


After giving us this list the tall man disappeared into thin air. We don’t know where he went or where he came from or where he is going but we do know that we are grateful for this wealth of knowledge.

Monday, May 27, 2013

New Cave Painting Found


A recent cave painting found in the south of France is said to look like the character Gollum for J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. We are unsure whether this is a coincidence or if it is actual evidence that Tolkien’s mythology was actually based on events that happened before the current age of man.  “This could give the idea that J.R.R. Tolkien was writing historical fact instead of mythology all new light.”  Says Joseph Bob one of the archaeologists working on project.
Many people have gathered to the area to pay homage to the painting Others have already started paying homage to Mawe, Lord of the Eagles, while others have started a following against the cave painting known as the Sons of Melkor.  Any way you look at it if this cave painting is deemed to be authentic it could change the whole history of human events and knowledge.
Along with the painting there were also found various paintings of round objects found throughout the cave, the meaning of these object has yet to be decided upon. 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Wagon Dogs Built the West


A new discovery by archaeologists’ shows historical evidence that Pioneers used giant dogs alongside Oxen and Horses to pull carts across the plains.  This new study states that not only were dogs considered stronger but they also had more energy.  One pioneer is even said to have used a whole team of Giant (11 foot tall) poodles to pull a wagon across the plains.  While the average cart would take months to get across the plains this pioneer simply put rabbits in front of the poodles and had them run across the whole western United States to California in just three days.

While we don’t know all the reasons behind the downfall in these wagon dogs what we do know is that they basically ate everything in sight when they weren't pulling wagons.  As such they destroyed whole entire cities such as Los Hamstre in a matter of days after they arrived there.  This caused these giant dogs to be extinct and to our new knowledge many of the dinosaur bones we find today are the remnants of these dogs.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Horse Airbags now Required


Earlier today the equestrian safety administrations officially authorized air bags for horses.  “This project has
been in the works for ages,” Says John the head of the administration.  With this change individuals will have the added extra safety of an airbag built into their genetically modified horse.  Experts say that this shouldn't change the way we ride horses but should only make it safer if for some reason our head rams into the neck of a horse.  While some people think the millions of dollars put into this modification and the fact that it will kill the horse when the airbag opens is pointless experts have decided that all horses starting in the year 2015 will com preinstalled with this feature.

According to horse expert Suzanne horses really don’t need airbags since most people fall off either the side or back of the horse.  While she is perfectly right in saying the administration says it is a necessity due to the decrease in the number of people who ride horses. “We just want to make them seem safer” says John.  Only time will tell if this feature has any positive benefits but for now we here at the Jexonian wish we got a pony for Christmas last year.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Mysterious shadow man saves cats!

Who is this mysterious man?

As authorities warned individuals to keep their cats in doors due to a recent string of cats being thrown in trees across a hero has come to save the day!  This strange hero is almost invisible.  “He’s basically a shadow of his former self” says one witness to the event.
Constance was a regular cat walking down the street one day and all the sudden he found himself up a tree.  He doesn’t know how he got there however, what he did know was that he had a girl’s name and he was a cat.
Luckily for Constance the Shadow man came to save the day “meow, meow” said Constance with gratitude.  Over 100,000 cats have been thrown into trees over the last month, and strangely all of them have been taken down by this mysterious shadow man.
We tried to get in contact with the Shadow man for a comment however, we could not find him.  “He’s like Batman, he disappears into the shadows.”  So the question is raised who is this mysterious Shadow man? Why is he saving our cats? And how do the cats get into the trees in the first place?  Stay tuned for a further update when we find the shadow man… if we ever find the shadow man.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Global weather change and Australian expectations

Some scientists say the weather has been changing globally. Last year, cold and snow in Rexburg, Idaho switched to trends of warm sunny weather. The biggest surprise for the locals: when it changed to being cold again towards the end of the year. One local said it this way “Trees were green, flowers were in bloom. Then BAM! In a couple months everything was dead”.
“Trees were green, flowers were in bloom. Then BAM!”
 It’s not just Rexburg that has been experiencing weather changes though. Much of the United States experienced cold weather at the same time as little Rexburg. Sound like a trend? Guess again: sources in Guam said the weather had been nearly constant, around the low 80s during that entire time.  Even more befuddling, is Australia. The weather has been changing from very cold to very warm, but at the opposite times of the year as the US. Local expert Nashville Mike had this to say: “Weather in Australia has been backwards as long as it’s been known as ‘down under’. The causality is clear – Australian weather is caused by use of its nick name."  The small continent feels insecure and wants to fulfill the world’s expectations.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Snowmen V. Dragons

It was a cold day in Nowhere Wyoming.  Mother bundled up her children to go to school 500 miles away in Wheatland.  However all of the sudden there was a knock on the door.  As Mother opened the door she saw that the snowman her children had built was knocking on the door.  Remembering the article she read in the Jexonian a couple weeks back she quickly turned up the heat and locked the door so the evil snowman could not get in. 
Nowhere Wyoming
At this very same time this wonderful Mother heard a loud BANG from the Christmas tree farm next door and then she bravely looked out the window to see the melted snowman on her porch and a dragon flying through the sky.  While children may love Christmas and everything about it the Danger's that this holiday brings this year are especially prevalent.  With Christmas trees going on sale early the dragons have started their feasting well before thanksgiving and just like in Nowhere Wyoming danger lurks outside your door.

Local Nowhere Christmas tree farmer Lars Larson stated "I used to live in New York, however when Godzilla attacked I decided it would be safer to move to the middle of Nowhere and so that is exactly what I did However, I never expected this war between evil snowmen and dragons to get so fierce."

While this time of year can be one of the most joyous and happy times of year it is also one of the most deadly with mythical creatures fighting this news blog once again reminds everyone to keep their doors locked and check their Christmas trees for dragons before they bring them into their house.

After all you don't want your house to end up like Nowhere Wyoming with all the snow melted in December because of Dragons, both houses gone and a flood of dead evil snowmen waiting to flood your storm gutters.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Babies Latch on to Vampire Craze

Baby Vampire Lulling in Prey
It seems that vampire mania has taken over pop culture. Like a carnivorous flower, vampires have been seducing people with their attractive looks until their meal agrees to go on a date. Unless they decided to wear a bullet proof turtleneck, that is usually the end of the story.

Recent books and movies have shown that vampires are usually adults or even teenagers. But reality has shown that this can happen at a much younger age. Not wanting to miss out on the latest fads, many babies are growing sharp teeth in preparation for Halloween. In the event that they are unable to grow fangs long enough, they are settling for invisible, yet very sharp, teeth, and in some instances simply settling for sharp fingernails.

Ready to Bite
While the art of seduction is not something that interests babies, they have found that being cute is effective for lulling in a wide variety of prey. When that tactic fails, they try screaming, which successfully attracts a more select group of people who are likely to put something in their mouth.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Walking Snowmen.. Not always as nice as Frosty

If you See this person behind you... RUN

Little Timmy was stuck in the well… Again however, this time someone had actually put him in there.  In his own words he stated “I was just out walking my dog when all the sudden a big white thing with a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal came, picked me up and threw me down the well.”

Scientists and police have confirmed that the culprit of this act was none other than a snowman.  While it is believed by many that a living walking snowman should be trusted, in fact the opposite is true.  As leading statistical mathematicians have recently decided there is a 75% chance that if a snowman is up and walking around it is evil.  For children everywhere this means that the myth of Frosty the Snowman is not true.

These snowmen can be made all over the place and while some become alive due to a magic hat others are brought to life by evil scientists, monsters, and ghosts.  While we can’t help you with ghosts or monsters the following steps will help you if you run into a walking snowman.

·         RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN GET INDOORS AND TURN THE HEAT IN YOUR HOUSE UP TO 90!

Law enforcement officials also warn that these snowman in some cases will have an icy core and as such are much harder to destroy than regular snow.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Dragon's Celebrate Christmas this Year


After many carful years of study the dragons this year have decided that they too are going to celebrate Christmas.  The Dragon Master himself has clearly stated that as Christmas becomes more about the marketing every year and as Christmas has come to store early the little dragons have become more and more excited!

While most people celebrate Christmas by getting a Christmas tree, decorating it, singing Christmas songs and also visiting relatives the dragons have decided that the best way to celebrate is to hid inside Christmas trees and eat their unsuspecting victim’s pet cats.  After all everyone knows that Cats taste better than dogs and people.

Because the dragons are starting early this year stores are recommending that if you want a dragon in your Christmas tree you get one now.  After all who doesn’t want their pet cat Fluffy tail to mysteriously go missing on Thanksgiving.  So this year instead of blaming Uncle Fred for the missing cat you might want to check inside your Christmas tree.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Dolphin Boy Discovered

After years of study and research, scientists and animal trainers are still unable to effectively communicate with dolphins beyond the use of fish and tricks. They are aware of the significance of the clicks and squeals they emit, but unable to find a direct translation into English, Russian, Chinese or any other human  language. It is clear to the trained ear whether the sea mammal is happy, sad, playful or hungry, but more details are difficult, until now.

A small child has been found that is naturally fluent in Dolphin. While his peers are unable to communicate with him effectively, it is obvious that the dolphins understand clearly. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Tree man, Life in the woods


The tree man. Coming to a park near you.
Morris Liverman was a normal kid growing up in the suburbs. He liked to read books and watch cartoons. He especially loved reading “The Lorax” and watching re-runs of “Captain Planet”.  He started telling his class mates to recycle instead of throwing away old cans. He tried to convince his parent’s to start a compost pile. He petitioned his local congressman to vote for green energy. Morris started getting called vulgar names at school like “Hippy”, “greener” and “Tree hugger”. While in some places and times these might be seen as compliments, in Texas, they are as bad as getting called a one-legged dog.

When his parent’s turned on his earthy ways, this gave Morris’ passion enough fuel to burst from a candle to a raging conflagration.  “I knew that if so many people were against me, I must be on the verge of genius” related Morris. “Just look at all those famous dark age guys like Galileo. Nobody wanted to change, but it turns out they were right in the end.” The only problem was, none of Morris’ efforts had any results. His parent’s didn’t start a compost pile, his friends just threw their cans at him, and the congressman sent him a signed “thank you for voting” pin.  So he turned to his old friends, children’s environmental propaganda. He had no way of coming out of a tree stump like the Lorax, nor super powers like the captain. “I figured, if I make a costume like Captain-P and hang out near trees like the Lorax, something good has to happen, you know?”

Mr. Liverpool set off on his own to begin inhabiting forests. After a few long and lonely years, the only thing he learned was that not that many people venture deep into forests, and those who do are either hunters or hikers. They didn’t want to hurt the trees; they wanted to hang out in them too. The result of these years? A couple facebook posts from hikers and hunters about a crazy guy. “I needed to get around more people, but I didn’t have any money or place to stay. So, like anybody would, I started living in public parks”

Not unlike the ‘piggy-back bandit’ Morris is starting to becoming internet famous. He is traversing the contiguous United States as one park after another evicts and rejects him. Final statements from Morris Liverman as to how he feels about this: “I know I am making an impact! I know that I am making the world a better place.”

Friday, August 10, 2012

Tree man spotted in local park


Photo of smith park
Several residents have spotted what appeared at first to be some sort of Ent, or tree man, in Smith park. Several parents were frightened when he gave their children leaves and pieces of bark. “You can’t have your kids getting bark from just any tree man,” Exclaimed Jenny Oaks, park goer, and mother of three children. “We come to this park all the time, but unless they cut him down, we will be taking our playfulness elsewhere.”

After a brief hunt, we found the tree man posing as a popular tree. He refused to make any comments, mumbling something about us being hasty, but accepted our offer for an interview under the condition that we pour a pint of mountain spring water on his feet, or as he prefers to call them “roots”. 

Check back frequently for “Tree man, a life in the woods” the full length story.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Orange Computers Patent the Rectangle

In a surprising move Start-up computer company Orange legally patented the rectangle earlier this week.  Sid Hoffman, a spokesman for the company stated during an interview. "we did this patent to get lots of money, and to make sure that our assets are well protected."

While Orange is looking to have major profits from this patent companies that make computers, textbooks and dog tags are in an uproar about this event.  Sid Frenchman spokesman for Corgi Collars stated "How are we going to make rectangular dog tags if we need to pay a royalty to this company for all our tags.

Orange expects to make millions of dollars, and also be in court for the next 700 years making it next to impossible for them to get any work done.  Lucky for the rest of use we still have un-patented circles.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

POLITICS-HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?


This classic article appeared in the first Jexonian in 2004
The question that has intruded us for years can it be answered?
Some say 592 others 396 however Dr. Solanders says that it matters how long you tough is.
Others are saying this question is going to decide who they vote for this year in the presidential race.  Infact in the third debate earlier in october the question was asked backstage bush sayed “it depends if it is a terrorist or not, if it is then it will go if not then it will not.”  senator Kerry stated “Is it in the upper class then I will raise it’s taxes, but if it is in the middle class I will lower it’s taxes and then Raise them even more.”  anyways many people are saying that Dr. Solanders is right, but only time will tell. At next weeks How many licks does it take contest.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Truth about the Light Bulb

We use them in our house, they have been around for a very long time but do we really know the truth about light bulbs?


Lets face the facts, electricity is a mystical power that we don't really understand, light bulbs use electricity and therefore no one can truly understand how they work.  For example if I take a light bulb and hold it in my hand why won't it turn on?  after all with all those neurons, and synapses happening in my axons you would think that I could power a light bulb just by holding it.  However, this is one of the great mysteries of electricity, the fact is that it will not work.


Despite the fact that we use them everyday we still do not understand light bulbs. and naturally what we don't understand we should fear.  In other words there is a 75% chance that the light bulbs in your house are conspiring against you at this very minute!  think about it, why do they all of the sudden go out? or blow up right when you need them the most?  It's bizarre, and unfriendly as such I think that these electrical barbarians should be despised, and created to a new standard that makes them less economically motivated and more selfless.  I am not talking about getting a new type of light bulb filled with poisonous gases that will kill you and swirly designs, would you give poisonous gases to your enemies? Of course not.  Instead I propose that we as intelligent human beings take matters into our own hands and take a stand in helping to create a better, world free of the tyranny of light bulbs.