Snowmen V. Dragons

It was a cold day in Nowhere Wyoming.  Mother bundled up her children to go to school 500 miles away in Wheatland.  However all of the sudden there was a knock on the door.  As Mother opened the door she saw that the snowman her children had built was knocking on the door.  Remembering the article she read in the Jexonian a couple weeks back she quickly turned up the heat and locked the door so the evil snowman could not get in. 

Nowhere Wyoming

At this very same time this wonderful Mother heard a loud BANG from the Christmas tree farm next door and then she bravely looked out the window to see the melted snowman on her porch and a dragon flying through the sky.  While children may love Christmas and everything about it the Danger's that this holiday brings this year are especially prevalent.  With Christmas trees going on sale early the dragons have started their feasting well before thanksgiving and just like in Nowhere Wyoming danger lurks outside your door.

Local Nowhere Christmas tree farmer Lars Larson stated "I used to live in New York, however when Godzilla attacked I decided it would be safer to move to the middle of Nowhere and so that is exactly what I did However, I never expected this war between evil snowmen and dragons to get so fierce."

While this time of year can be one of the most joyous and happy times of year it is also one of the most deadly with mythical creatures fighting this news blog once again reminds everyone to keep their doors locked and check their Christmas trees for dragons before they bring them into their house.

After all you don't want your house to end up like Nowhere Wyoming with all the snow melted in December because of Dragons, both houses gone and a flood of dead evil snowmen waiting to flood your storm gutters.

Babies Latch on to Vampire Craze

Baby Vampire Lulling in Prey

It seems that vampire mania has taken over pop culture. Like a carnivorous flower, vampires have been seducing people with their attractive looks until their meal agrees to go on a date. Unless they decided to wear a bullet proof turtleneck, that is usually the end of the story.

Recent books and movies have shown that vampires are usually adults or even teenagers. But reality has shown that this can happen at a much younger age. Not wanting to miss out on the latest fads, many babies are growing sharp teeth in preparation for Halloween. In the event that they are unable to grow fangs long enough, they are settling for invisible, yet very sharp, teeth, and in some instances simply settling for sharp fingernails.

Ready to Bite

While the art of seduction is not something that interests babies, they have found that being cute is effective for lulling in a wide variety of prey. When that tactic fails, they try screaming, which successfully attracts a more select group of people who are likely to put something in their mouth.

Walking Snowmen.. Not always as nice as Frosty

If you See this person behind you... RUN

Little Timmy was stuck in the well… Again however, this time someone had actually put him in there.  In his own words he stated “I was just out walking my dog when all the sudden a big white thing with a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal came, picked me up and threw me down the well.”

Scientists and police have confirmed that the culprit of this act was none other than a snowman.  While it is believed by many that a living walking snowman should be trusted, in fact the opposite is true.  As leading statistical mathematicians have recently decided there is a 75% chance that if a snowman is up and walking around it is evil.  For children everywhere this means that the myth of Frosty the Snowman is not true.

These snowmen can be made all over the place and while some become alive due to a magic hat others are brought to life by evil scientists, monsters, and ghosts.  While we can’t help you with ghosts or monsters the following steps will help you if you run into a walking snowman.

·         RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN GET INDOORS AND TURN THE HEAT IN YOUR HOUSE UP TO 90!

Law enforcement officials also warn that these snowman in some cases will have an icy core and as such are much harder to destroy than regular snow.

Dragon's Celebrate Christmas this Year

After many carful years of study the dragons this year have decided that they too are going to celebrate Christmas.  The Dragon Master himself has clearly stated that as Christmas becomes more about the marketing every year and as Christmas has come to store early the little dragons have become more and more excited!

While most people celebrate Christmas by getting a Christmas tree, decorating it, singing Christmas songs and also visiting relatives the dragons have decided that the best way to celebrate is to hid inside Christmas trees and eat their unsuspecting victim’s pet cats.  After all everyone knows that Cats taste better than dogs and people.

Because the dragons are starting early this year stores are recommending that if you want a dragon in your Christmas tree you get one now.  After all who doesn’t want their pet cat Fluffy tail to mysteriously go missing on Thanksgiving.  So this year instead of blaming Uncle Fred for the missing cat you might want to check inside your Christmas tree.

Dolphin Boy Discovered

After years of study and research, scientists and animal trainers are still unable to effectively communicate with dolphins beyond the use of fish and tricks. They are aware of the significance of the clicks and squeals they emit, but unable to find a direct translation into English, Russian, Chinese or any other human  language. It is clear to the trained ear whether the sea mammal is happy, sad, playful or hungry, but more details are difficult, until now.

A small child has been found that is naturally fluent in Dolphin. While his peers are unable to communicate with him effectively, it is obvious that the dolphins understand clearly. 

Tree man, Life in the woods

The tree man. Coming to a park near you.

Morris Liverman was a normal kid growing up in the suburbs. He liked to read books and watch cartoons. He especially loved reading “The Lorax” and watching re-runs of “Captain Planet”.  He started telling his class mates to recycle instead of throwing away old cans. He tried to convince his parent’s to start a compost pile. He petitioned his local congressman to vote for green energy. Morris started getting called vulgar names at school like “Hippy”, “greener” and “Tree hugger”. While in some places and times these might be seen as compliments, in Texas, they are as bad as getting called a one-legged dog.

When his parent’s turned on his earthy ways, this gave Morris’ passion enough fuel to burst from a candle to a raging conflagration.  “I knew that if so many people were against me, I must be on the verge of genius” related Morris. “Just look at all those famous dark age guys like Galileo. Nobody wanted to change, but it turns out they were right in the end.” The only problem was, none of Morris’ efforts had any results. His parent’s didn’t start a compost pile, his friends just threw their cans at him, and the congressman sent him a signed “thank you for voting” pin.  So he turned to his old friends, children’s environmental propaganda. He had no way of coming out of a tree stump like the Lorax, nor super powers like the captain. “I figured, if I make a costume like Captain-P and hang out near trees like the Lorax, something good has to happen, you know?”

Mr. Liverpool set off on his own to begin inhabiting forests. After a few long and lonely years, the only thing he learned was that not that many people venture deep into forests, and those who do are either hunters or hikers. They didn’t want to hurt the trees; they wanted to hang out in them too. The result of these years? A couple facebook posts from hikers and hunters about a crazy guy. “I needed to get around more people, but I didn’t have any money or place to stay. So, like anybody would, I started living in public parks”

Not unlike the ‘piggy-back bandit’ Morris is starting to becoming internet famous. He is traversing the contiguous United States as one park after another evicts and rejects him. Final statements from Morris Liverman as to how he feels about this: “I know I am making an impact! I know that I am making the world a better place.”

Tree man spotted in local park

Several residents have spotted what appeared at first to be some sort of Ent, or tree man, in Smith park. Several parents were frightened when he gave their children leaves and pieces of bark. “You can’t have your kids getting bark from just any tree man,” Exclaimed Jenny Oaks, park goer, and mother of three children. “We come to this park all the time, but unless they cut him down, we will be taking our playfulness elsewhere.”

After a brief hunt, we found the tree man posing as a popular tree. He refused to make any comments, mumbling something about us being hasty, but accepted our offer for an interview under the condition that we pour a pint of mountain spring water on his feet, or as he prefers to call them “roots”. 

Check back frequently for “Tree man, a life in the woods” the full length story.

Orange Computers Patent the Rectangle

In a surprising move Start-up computer company Orange legally patented the rectangle earlier this week.  Sid Hoffman, a spokesman for the company stated during an interview. "we did this patent to get lots of money, and to make sure that our assets are well protected."

While Orange is looking to have major profits from this patent companies that make computers, textbooks and dog tags are in an uproar about this event.  Sid Frenchman spokesman for Corgi Collars stated "How are we going to make rectangular dog tags if we need to pay a royalty to this company for all our tags.

Orange expects to make millions of dollars, and also be in court for the next 700 years making it next to impossible for them to get any work done.  Lucky for the rest of use we still have un-patented circles.

POLITICS-HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?

This classic article appeared in the first Jexonian in 2004

The question that has intruded us for years can it be answered?

Some say 592 others 396 however Dr. Solanders says that it matters how long you tough is.

Others are saying this question is going to decide who they vote for this year in the presidential race.  Infact in the third debate earlier in october the question was asked backstage bush sayed “it depends if it is a terrorist or not, if it is then it will go if not then it will not.”  senator Kerry stated “Is it in the upper class then I will raise it’s taxes, but if it is in the middle class I will lower it’s taxes and then Raise them even more.”  anyways many people are saying that Dr. Solanders is right, but only time will tell. At next weeks How many licks does it take contest.

The Truth about the Light Bulb

 

We use them in our house, they have been around for a very long time but do we really know the truth about light bulbs?


Lets face the facts, electricity is a mystical power that we don't really understand, light bulbs use electricity and therefore no one can truly understand how they work.  For example if I take a light bulb and hold it in my hand why won't it turn on?  after all with all those neurons, and synapses happening in my axons you would think that I could power a light bulb just by holding it.  However, this is one of the great mysteries of electricity, the fact is that it will not work.


Despite the fact that we use them everyday we still do not understand light bulbs. and naturally what we don't understand we should fear.  In other words there is a 75% chance that the light bulbs in your house are conspiring against you at this very minute!  think about it, why do they all of the sudden go out? or blow up right when you need them the most?  It's bizarre, and unfriendly as such I think that these electrical barbarians should be despised, and created to a new standard that makes them less economically motivated and more selfless.  I am not talking about getting a new type of light bulb filled with poisonous gases that will kill you and swirly designs, would you give poisonous gases to your enemies? Of course not.  Instead I propose that we as intelligent human beings take matters into our own hands and take a stand in helping to create a better, world free of the tyranny of light bulbs.

Who is your Boss, New Evidence about Evolution, Where humans came from and why we take care of animals

According to Scientists, mankind has been around for a very long time.  During this time we have gone to dwelling on farms and living in small caves to living in a highly advanced world.  Sometimes we think that we are the ones in charge however, new scientific evidence shows that man is not in charge of his own life.

Who is really in charge here?

According to Scientists at the research institute of modern day studies of chickens human beings are in fact an invention of cockroaches to keep those who would eat cockroaches happy.  The scientists evidence shows that predators such as cats, dogs, bears and large rodents are able to send subliminal messages to humans in order to get us to do what they want.  As such cockroaches are left alone and are able to accomplish any tasks that are important to their daily activities.

Locus Thompson stated in the research institutes statement earlier today "We have known that the only reason we as humans were able to create so many wonderful technologies is because we are smarts, however, today this idea has been rebutted by new evidence that shows how other animals are able to control us, humans using their thought patters."

So the next time you go to feed for cat or your dog, think about who is really the boss of you, and then try to take control over your life.  as Locus Thompson and those at the research institute believe you won't be able to, because we as humans were never meant to control are own life but only meant to keep those happy who would harm our insect creators.