Horse Airbags now Required

Earlier today the equestrian safety administrations officially authorized air bags for horses.  “This project has

been in the works for ages,” Says John the head of the administration.  With this change individuals will have the added extra safety of an airbag built into their genetically modified horse.  Experts say that this shouldn't change the way we ride horses but should only make it safer if for some reason our head rams into the neck of a horse.  While some people think the millions of dollars put into this modification and the fact that it will kill the horse when the airbag opens is pointless experts have decided that all horses starting in the year 2015 will com preinstalled with this feature.

According to horse expert Suzanne horses really don’t need airbags since most people fall off either the side or back of the horse.  While she is perfectly right in saying the administration says it is a necessity due to the decrease in the number of people who ride horses. “We just want to make them seem safer” says John.  Only time will tell if this feature has any positive benefits but for now we here at the Jexonian wish we got a pony for Christmas last year.

Mysterious shadow man saves cats!

Who is this mysterious man?

As authorities warned individuals to keep their cats in doors due to a recent string of cats being thrown in trees across a hero has come to save the day!  This strange hero is almost invisible.  “He’s basically a shadow of his former self” says one witness to the event.

Constance was a regular cat walking down the street one day and all the sudden he found himself up a tree.  He doesn’t know how he got there however, what he did know was that he had a girl’s name and he was a cat.

Luckily for Constance the Shadow man came to save the day “meow, meow” said Constance with gratitude.  Over 100,000 cats have been thrown into trees over the last month, and strangely all of them have been taken down by this mysterious shadow man.

We tried to get in contact with the Shadow man for a comment however, we could not find him.  “He’s like Batman, he disappears into the shadows.”  So the question is raised who is this mysterious Shadow man? Why is he saving our cats? And how do the cats get into the trees in the first place?  Stay tuned for a further update when we find the shadow man… if we ever find the shadow man.

Global weather change and Australian expectations

Some scientists say the weather has been changing globally. Last year, cold and snow in Rexburg, Idaho switched to trends of warm sunny weather. The biggest surprise for the locals: when it changed to being cold again towards the end of the year. One local said it this way “Trees were green, flowers were in bloom. Then BAM! In a couple months everything was dead”.

“Trees were green, flowers were in bloom. Then BAM!”

 It’s not just Rexburg that has been experiencing weather changes though. Much of the United States experienced cold weather at the same time as little Rexburg. Sound like a trend? Guess again: sources in Guam said the weather had been nearly constant, around the low 80s during that entire time.  Even more befuddling, is Australia. The weather has been changing from very cold to very warm, but at the opposite times of the year as the US. Local expert Nashville Mike had this to say: “Weather in Australia has been backwards as long as it’s been known as ‘down under’. The causality is clear – Australian weather is caused by use of its nick name."  The small continent feels insecure and wants to fulfill the world’s expectations.

Snowmen V. Dragons

It was a cold day in Nowhere Wyoming.  Mother bundled up her children to go to school 500 miles away in Wheatland.  However all of the sudden there was a knock on the door.  As Mother opened the door she saw that the snowman her children had built was knocking on the door.  Remembering the article she read in the Jexonian a couple weeks back she quickly turned up the heat and locked the door so the evil snowman could not get in. 

Nowhere Wyoming

At this very same time this wonderful Mother heard a loud BANG from the Christmas tree farm next door and then she bravely looked out the window to see the melted snowman on her porch and a dragon flying through the sky.  While children may love Christmas and everything about it the Danger's that this holiday brings this year are especially prevalent.  With Christmas trees going on sale early the dragons have started their feasting well before thanksgiving and just like in Nowhere Wyoming danger lurks outside your door.

Local Nowhere Christmas tree farmer Lars Larson stated "I used to live in New York, however when Godzilla attacked I decided it would be safer to move to the middle of Nowhere and so that is exactly what I did However, I never expected this war between evil snowmen and dragons to get so fierce."

While this time of year can be one of the most joyous and happy times of year it is also one of the most deadly with mythical creatures fighting this news blog once again reminds everyone to keep their doors locked and check their Christmas trees for dragons before they bring them into their house.

After all you don't want your house to end up like Nowhere Wyoming with all the snow melted in December because of Dragons, both houses gone and a flood of dead evil snowmen waiting to flood your storm gutters.

Babies Latch on to Vampire Craze

Baby Vampire Lulling in Prey

It seems that vampire mania has taken over pop culture. Like a carnivorous flower, vampires have been seducing people with their attractive looks until their meal agrees to go on a date. Unless they decided to wear a bullet proof turtleneck, that is usually the end of the story.

Recent books and movies have shown that vampires are usually adults or even teenagers. But reality has shown that this can happen at a much younger age. Not wanting to miss out on the latest fads, many babies are growing sharp teeth in preparation for Halloween. In the event that they are unable to grow fangs long enough, they are settling for invisible, yet very sharp, teeth, and in some instances simply settling for sharp fingernails.

Ready to Bite

While the art of seduction is not something that interests babies, they have found that being cute is effective for lulling in a wide variety of prey. When that tactic fails, they try screaming, which successfully attracts a more select group of people who are likely to put something in their mouth.

Walking Snowmen.. Not always as nice as Frosty

If you See this person behind you... RUN

Little Timmy was stuck in the well… Again however, this time someone had actually put him in there.  In his own words he stated “I was just out walking my dog when all the sudden a big white thing with a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal came, picked me up and threw me down the well.”

Scientists and police have confirmed that the culprit of this act was none other than a snowman.  While it is believed by many that a living walking snowman should be trusted, in fact the opposite is true.  As leading statistical mathematicians have recently decided there is a 75% chance that if a snowman is up and walking around it is evil.  For children everywhere this means that the myth of Frosty the Snowman is not true.

These snowmen can be made all over the place and while some become alive due to a magic hat others are brought to life by evil scientists, monsters, and ghosts.  While we can’t help you with ghosts or monsters the following steps will help you if you run into a walking snowman.

·         RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN GET INDOORS AND TURN THE HEAT IN YOUR HOUSE UP TO 90!

Law enforcement officials also warn that these snowman in some cases will have an icy core and as such are much harder to destroy than regular snow.

Dragon's Celebrate Christmas this Year

After many carful years of study the dragons this year have decided that they too are going to celebrate Christmas.  The Dragon Master himself has clearly stated that as Christmas becomes more about the marketing every year and as Christmas has come to store early the little dragons have become more and more excited!

While most people celebrate Christmas by getting a Christmas tree, decorating it, singing Christmas songs and also visiting relatives the dragons have decided that the best way to celebrate is to hid inside Christmas trees and eat their unsuspecting victim’s pet cats.  After all everyone knows that Cats taste better than dogs and people.

Because the dragons are starting early this year stores are recommending that if you want a dragon in your Christmas tree you get one now.  After all who doesn’t want their pet cat Fluffy tail to mysteriously go missing on Thanksgiving.  So this year instead of blaming Uncle Fred for the missing cat you might want to check inside your Christmas tree.